Life getting you down? Hate bathrooms? Kieran Beattie has the solutions. All of them.
It's 7.00. Your phone's generic bleeps and blorps rip you from your possibly sexy dream. What’s worse, is that your boss is forcing you to conform to this crazy new religion of “Basic hygiene” and waste your precious coco pop time “de-stanking” yourself. Before you take the logical decision and smash your head through the microwave, try following these three inspirational tips to make the most of your mandatory bathroom time.
#1: Become God
" THIS IS TOTAL BS"
Cnut the Great, alongside inspiring the name of French Connection UK, was famous for being the King of Most Of Europe back when everyone was all about longboats and pillaging. Not content with his absolute power over the vast swathes of beardy gents and ladies of Britain, Norway, Sweden and Denmark, he decided to seize control over man’s oldest and wettest enemy: the sea. Under a stroke of sheer genius or possibly just because of a stroke, he plopped his throne on the beach, cracked open a can ‘o’ mead, and yelled at the sea to not come any closer OR ELSE.
Somehow it didn’t work, so he gave up his career in kinging for a life of swearing loudly at passing puddles and crying himself to sleep.
But where Cnut failed at bending the forces of nature to his will, YOU will rise above adversity and COMMAND THE TIDES THEMSELVES.
Think about it. You’re in the shower, waters going everywhere. Surely it will escape! That blasted waters going to show you up again, and in front of your hot date! On the day of the big game! It’s time to make a stand.
Stand directly under the shower head and adopt the power stance, legs apart, and arms erect at your sides, fists tight. When the time is right, EXPLODE your fists open and tense your fingers, (teeth baring optional).Congratulations, you are now FIRING WATER OUT OF YOUR FINGERS and are PRETTY MUCH A GOD. Scuk it, Cnut.
Please, for the sake of us mere mortals, use your newfound hydro-kinesis for good.
#2: Show Da Vinci who’s boss.
"no da vinci that is the wrong number of limbs what are you blind"
So it’s 7.30, and you’ve already completely negated a historical figure’s influence on society with your sick bathroom techniques. But why stop at just one? Why not take on the most influential painter and all around famous guy of all time, Leonardo “ Da Best” Da Vinci?
The Mona Lisa took Da Vinci 15 years of procrastination and laziness to complete, and what does he have to show for it? Some oily paper in a French museum, a movie about said paper starring Tom Hanks, and the piece’s disappointing smallitude in real life.
What you will create in 20 seconds will last generations, and prove to the world once and for all that the history books got it wrong and YOU are the TRUE archetype of the Renaissance man, not that beardy dork.
“But how on Earth will I surpass the goddamn Mona Lisa IN MY TOILET?!?” I hear you shake my collar with both hands and demand? The answer is the same one that effervesced its way into the mind of Scottish Inventor James Watt when faced with the problem of his trains running on thousands of ridiculously inefficient land-oarsmen: STEAM.
Sure, they might call it “ rushed” or “what are you trying to prove here and why am I in your bathroom”, but in their hearts they know that you are much smarter, cooler, sexier, and postmodern or some other such horseshit than they will ever be. Here’s my effort:
So it’s now 8.00, you’ve revolutionised the world of philosophy AND art, and you STILL haven’t gone through your weekly disappointment of accidentally pouring that god-awful coco pop mush from the bottom of the box into your bowl. Why not make it a hat trick ( I don’t know anything about football) and blow the huge, pulsating minds of science with THREE revolutions?
#3: Answer the most important and least asked question in the universe
Step one: Form the anchor.
Step 2: Deploy.
Step 3: PUSH THE BOUNDARIES OF HUMAN UNDERSTANDING AND TAKE THE SECOND GREAT LEAP
WHAT.
WILL.
HAPPEN.
I like to call this manoeuvre the “ Rapunzel Effect.”
Why has no one asked this before? And why is there STILL not an abundance of nightclub/hairdresser combos? (That’s another article for another day.)
Use this article responsibly.
Kieran Beattie