Blurst Blend: Summer Nights

It’s roughly 10C during the day in Aberdeen, which is about as warm as it's going to get. Perfect for playing great summery music well into the night. Sure it's only February, but even if you don't want to let go of winter just yet you'll still appreciate this Blurst Blend.

The music choice kicks off with the high-voltage Go! Team, who recently treated the city to a showcase of stunningly energetic indie-pop. "Buy Nothing Day" was the second single from their third album Rolling Blackouts, and is just a taste of their trademark tomfoolery. A perhaps more familiar name follows in the form of Basement Jaxx. Their most recent release, Scars, may have had a mixed reception - but there's no denying the pristine gloss Louis La Roche has applied onto first single "Raindrops".

"The Reeling", in its pure form, is already a stellar example of what alternative dance can offer. However, Scottish DJ Calvin Harris breathes an altogether different colour of life into the song.  The pace then mutates into the deceptively comforting pace of "Garden" by the hat-toting producer Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs. The song is every bit as awesome as that name makes it sound.

From the familiar sound of a British voice we travel to the not-so-barren wastes of Canada for the next act on the tape. Dragonette's infectious beats on "Our Summer Volcano" taunt you in before the melody properly ties you down. A brief interlude, before bam - a French bass drum explodes into the air, so loud the speakers almost refuse to cope. Yelle's "A cause des garçons" has been given the bounce treatment by Mr Tanguy Destable - otherwise known as Tepr.

We then move to an act who have received applause from all over the world. New York duo MNDR have been around for a few years now, but only in 2010 did the bloggers latch on. "Cut Me Out" is a shining star of an electro anthem, foot-tapping required. This slides in bizarrely well with the hip-hop stylings of Hoodie Allen on "C.R.A.V.E." - when a song begins with the lyric "Said I feel so sweet they compare me to Nestlé," you just know you're in for a treat.

Another critically lauded group take the penultimate slot in the mixtape - Kiwis The Naked and Famous' debut Passive Me, Aggressive You showcases both the group's powerful beat-driven dance-pop and the slower, more intimate collection of electronic love letters. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to guess which of those "Punching in a Dream" falls into. The final twist in the tale is again in a foreign language - Yelle's second appearance is decidely more controlled, but still carries a vicious hummable melody and a chorus which documents some animals having a wee dance. Very good.

If you like any of the music on this Blurst Blend, please have a look at some of the artists' other work.



Tracklisting:
0:00 “Buy Nothing Day” – The Go! Team
3:54 “Raindrops (Louis La Roche Rework)” – Basement Jaxx
7:26 “The Reeling (Calvin Harris Remix)” – Passion Pit
13:24 “Garden” – Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs
16:58 “Our Summer Volcano” – Dragonette
21:26 “A cause des garçons (Tepr Remix)” – Yelle
24:06 “Cut Me Out” – MNDR
27:12 “C.R.A.V.E.” – Hoodie Allen
30:05 “Punching in a Dream” – The Naked and Famous
33:46 “Safari Disco Club” – Yelle

Pretty much everything:
Joe Sutherland
@foxhuntingx

Music choice:
James Wyllie
@itsjazzfest

All music featured is intended for promotional use only. We really like all of your music and wanted to share it with the world. If you aren’t happy with us including your music in this mixtape please email us and we’ll sort it out.

Celebrity Round-Up! 27/2/11

Paris Hilton turned 30 earlier in the week. Celebrating in style, Hilton held a lavish party at her L.A. home. However reported a rather important birthday gift missing - her cake. It turns out another guest, a musician name PAZ, had stolen it and donated it to the homeless and later posted pictures on his Facebook. We’re glad Paris saw the funny side to it all but, c’mon, if I was invited I’d be stealing myself some diamonds.

Charlie Sheen offered Lyndsay Lohan advice this week. In a weird ‘Pot Calling the Kettle’ moment Sheen, who last month very publicly went on a sex and drugs binge, told Lohan to "try to think things through a little before you do them." Good Tip there Charlie - maybe you could do the same.

Neil McDermott (The guy who plays Ryan Malloy in Eastenders) has been found having an affair with a 16-year-old fan. McDermott, who has a wife and young daughter, told a Sunday newspaper: “I am so sorry to my wife, daughter and our family for this betrayal. I love my wife and family dearly and I'm distraught that my life is now in tatters due to a stupid mistake.” Good luck getting that contract renewed.

Speculation is mounting that Elton John and David Furness will reveal the godmother of their son Zachary as being Lady Gaga. Furness spoke of his admiration of Gaga: “She believes that you can be whoever you want to be and that we don't have to live in a world of conformity.” And anyway, let’s face it, who wouldn’t want Gaga as their Godmother?

Cheryl and Ashley Cole spent Valentine’s Day together. It’s bad news for Derek Hough, who flew over from L.A. earlier on in the week to surprise her. Rumour has it that Cheryl is getting a bit fed up of Derek’s clinginess to her. She’s going to need more than her divorce papers and limp and lifeless L’Oréal locks to break America.

Dior has suspended its creative director, British fashion designer John Galliano, after his arrest in Paris for alleged assault and making anti-Semitic remarks after a late-night drinking session. In France, making anti-Semitic remarks is punishable by up to six months in prison.

Singer Adele has held on to the charts with ‘Someone Like You’ staying number one for a second week in light of her perfect performance at the Brit awards last Monday. The record has sold over 100,000 copies within the last week alone.

And finally, Justin Bieber has put a lock of his hair on sale on bidding site Ebay. Having changed his usual style, the star agreed to give US talk show host Ellen DeGeneres the strands of his hair to sell. Current bids stand at $7,000 (£4,349). Why?

Graeme Aitken
@GraemeAitken

App Review: Tiny Wings

Even though we spend £5-6 on a cinema ticket or £10 pre-ordering a CD we've not heard before, buying that 59p app always seems like such a financial risk. But 'Tiny Wings' is well worth the money.

The game - like so many on the Apple App Store at the moment - is very simple. Touch the screen to gather speed by folding your wings, and let go of the screen to flap your wings and fly. While it does sound basic, usually the games that require the least amount of brainpower are also the most popular (at the time of writing, 'Tiny Wing's is number 1 on the UK App Store 'Top Paid' list).

In 'Tiny Wings', the main goal of the game is to fly as far as you can, going from island to island, before night-time catches up with you. There are various power-ups to help you out - golden coins give you extra points and blue coins boost your speed. By sliding down hills perfectly you can also enter 'frenzy mode', where you'll go faster and earn more points in the process. There's not much else to it and, while it sounds a little complicated, you'll have mastered the controls before you've even finished your first game.

'Tiny Wings' also has objectives you can complete as you go along, adding more to the game to slow down how quickly you'll eventually getting bored of it. These appear in groups of three and completing each group allows you to upgrade your birds nest. The better your birds nest, the more points you earn ingame. The objectives are also quite varied for such a simple game, with challenges like 'Reach the 4th island without any 'great slides'' or 'Touch the clouds 5 times on the 5th island'.

However, it's not just the app's gameplay that draws you in - 'Tiny Wings' is full of charm. The game's hand-drawn-style graphics look great on the iDevice 4th gen's Retina screen. Even the little things like the way the bird disappears into the clouds are amazing to look at. The squawks and chirps the bird makes as it flies through the air are also great. Even though you don't know why it's flying so far (or the fact that it's only a character in a game), you'll probably find yourself rooting for the bird to get as far as it can. 

Overall, 'Tiny Wings' is a great game. The controls are very easy to get the hang of and the way the game draws you in means that you'll be going back for "just one more game" many, many times.

You can see 'Tiny Wings' on the App Store by clicking here.

James Wyllie
@itsjazzfest

Martyn's Midweek Predictions and Tips

The big game tonight comes from the Stade Vélodrome in Marseille. Manchester United are away to French champions Olympique de Marseille.

United will be missing the experience of Ryan Giggs and Michael Owen as well as being without Rio Ferdinand in the heart of defence. Anderson and Jonny Evans are both also unfit.

Chris Smalling is expected to partner Nemanja Vidic in central defence, which will be an area Marseille manager and former Chelsea player Didier Deschamps should be looking to exploit.

Manchester United’s last league game saw them defeat local rivals Manchester City 2-1 while Marseille also beat St. Étienne by the same margin.

United are favourites for the game but this should be a close match, Marseille are the French Champions for a reason and also hold home advantage. United may be content with a draw but I suspect Sir Alex will be looking to get an early goal then hold out and take there opponents down in the second leg at Old Trafford.

Prediction: Marseille 0-1 Manchester United

There is only one match from the Barclay's Premiership tonight as title hopefuls Arsenal take on Stoke City at the Emirates Stadium.

Arsenal come off the back of a 2-0 win against Wolves but will be without Striker Robin Van Persie.

Stoke City have yet to claim any points away from home in 2011, conceding seven goals and scoring just one. However Arsenal will be without centre back Laurent Koscielny giving Arsene Wenger a selection headache in defence where they are already without Thomas Vermaelen and may have to rely on Sebastien Squillaci. Stoke should try to exploit this weakness and attack.

However, Arsenal are clear favourites in this game and for a good reason, the Gunners are unbeaten in nine matches and should make it ten by the end of the evening

Prediction: Arsenal 3-1 Stoke City

The SPL brings us Motherwell against St. Mirren at Fir Park tonight. Despite the Steelmen being Hamilton’s local rivals there are no prizes for guessing who Accies boss Billy Reid will be cheering for in this match.

Both Aberdeen and Hibernian are pulling away from the Relegation fight leaving just second bottom St.Mirren and rock bottom Hamilton fighting it out for Survival.

Motherwell have regained some credibility since their 6-0 thrashing from Rangers a few weeks ago and went on to win their next two games against Aberdeen and Hamilton, but St. Mirren have not won a league game since beating Inverness 2-1 on Boxing Day.

Motherwell are still missing Steve Jones and Steven Saunders tonight and striker Michael Higdon is a doubt for St.Mirren.

Motherwell should have a comfortable night if the Buddies continue to perform the way that they have been in recent matches.

Prediction: Motherwell 2-0 St.Mirren

One of the most promising matches tonight is a replay of last years Champions League Final.

Inter Milan take on Bayern Munich at the San Siro. Last year Inter beat the Germans to win the biggest prize in European football and Bayern will be seeking revenge this time around.

Both teams are without key players, Inter striker Diego Milito is out with a hamstring injury and Bayern will miss leading scorer Mario Gomez. Inter are however boosted by the return of Wesley Sneijder.

Both teams should be expected to attack tonight, Inter will be looking to get an aggregate lead to take to the Allianz Arena as Bayern seek a healthy scoreline to make the return leg in Munich more comfortable.

Prediction: Inter 2-2 Bayern Munich

Martyn’s Cheeky Punt of the Night

William Hill has Sevilla priced at 14/5 away to Porto.

Porto hold a narrow 2-1 lead from the First Leg but these sides are still very evenly matched. It’s a bit of a coupon buster but Sevilla are definitely strong enough to overcome the small deficit and at 14/5 are worth a cheeky punt.

Martyn Simpson

Just Had Enough: The Old Firm are getting really old, like me.

Just Can’t Get Enough?

The problem with Christmas is that, much like the entire population of pandas, it only comes once a year. So along with your birthday, there’s two dates on the calendar that you really look forward to. The same is true for most football fans at the start of the season when they look at the fixture list to see when their team plays its local rivals.

But not in Scotland.

In a good year, thanks to the split, the most two teams will play each other is three times. Which is still one too many. And three too many if you’re a Hibs fan just now.

But if you follow follow Rangers or hail hail Celtic, you’re treated to a local derby at least four times a year. Not including possible cup matches. This is one of those years when the Glasgow giants have faced each other at every domestic opportunity. And just to top it off, they drew in the cup so now there’s a replay of that one too.

Thank god Celtic got knocked out of the Europa League.

It’s not to say that Old Firm games aren’t exciting, and usually the best games of the Scottish season, but seven times in one year?

I know I’m not the only one fed up if it. One look at Celtic Park on Sunday and it was obvious that everyone in a blue shirt was bored limp with the thought of playing “them” again. Except El Hadji Diouf, it must’ve just dawned on him that there IS a worse place to play than in Blackburn.

[Scott Brown basking in the glory of playing against a Premiership player]

My theory is that the Celtic board is helping Rangers out financially by givng them more derbies.

We all know the sob story of Sir David Murray and his twitchy cheque-writing hand, and how that hand is now twitching down the trousers of Lloyds bank, desperately trying to save the Gers.

So is it too hard to suggest that maybe Celtic have realised that without Rangers they are also screwed? Winning the league constantly would be fun, but after 21 in a row surely even the greenest of Celtic fans would get fed up, especially when their jealousy at Rangers and Partick’s rivalry kicks in.

[The first known picture of an Old Firm Game. David Weir is behind the Ginger kid]

The whole “let’s play in England!” thing isn’t working out. Neither is the idea of playing against top European teams in an Atlantic League or whatever it was meant to be. The idea of even playing in Europe at all is proving too much now too.

So maybe his is a ploy to nurse Rangers along until they can con some poor fool into buying the keys to Ibrox by telling them there’s gold or oil under the pitch. At this rate the Teddy Bears are as well stripping back the stadium for raw materials and going to the scrappies to see what they can get.

So here’s an idea: why not let them play each other all the time all year. Let’s forget this SPL1 and SPL2 stuff. And chuck the whole 10/12/14/16 team league debate out the window. They’ve made no qualms in the past about ditching the rest of Scottish football in order to stay alive, so why not let them?

In fact, why not push them. Let them play in their own little two-team league.

When other leagues get word of this exciting new brand of Scottish football without the pesky small clubs anchoring the Old Firm, John Reid and Martin Bain will soon have Real and Barca, Man Utd and City et al booting in the door to join this fantastic new league. It will be like all their Christmases and Birthdays rolled into one.

And with them gone maybe someone else can challenge for the title and give us the exciting league we’re all crying out for.

Jim Johnstone
@JimJohnstone87

Celebrity Round-Up! 20/02/11

Dancing Queen Jason Gardner revealed this week he had received death threats relating to his showdown with Karen Barbour two weeks ago. Jason said: "I thought maybe I wanted out when I received the death threats. It's scary. One guy has even told me he will put a bullet through my brain.” It’s just a shame Jason doesn’t have one.

Lady Gaga revealed she likes to be drunk while working on music. The ‘Born This Way’ singer added: "I like to drink whiskey and stuff while I am working. But the deal is I've got to work out every day."

It’s alleged that Cheryl Cole and Simon Cowell will not return to the UK X Factor this year. Cowell is quoted by a ‘friend’ (Yeah, cause that’s a reliable source.) saying that he was "committed" to the American Version of the show. With Cheryl hinting on a US chat show that Cowell and herself would concentrate on the arrival of the show in the States.

The BBC have launched a probe into claims BBC3 show 'The Real Hustle' was faked. It's claimed actors were used instead of everyday 'victims' and that people were knowingly being filmed for the cameras. Poor show BBC... POOR!

Actress Patsy Palmer (The ginger who plays Bianca in Eastenders) was rushed to hospital earlier this week after receiving botched botox injections. Palmer revealed it would be her last brush with botox, claiming never to use it again. Time will tell.

Rihanna is being sued by photographer David LaChappelle over similarities of shots on her new video "S&M".  LaChappelle claims 8 of his images are incorporated into the video. Ri-Ri is yet to make a formal statement. This is a second blow to the singer as the BBC have changed the name of her single to "Come On" as they felt it was inappropriate to use the name "S&M" as younger listeners tune into their stations.

Poor Cheryl Cole was left humiliated and angered after a Russian bride site posted pictures of her on their website. When contacted by the Daily Star, the site's boss Irina Grebneva insisted that the images had been used "by mistake" and claimed that she had not heard of Cole. We just hope she wasn’t looking weak, limp or lifeless - L’oreal would rage.

And finally, fans of Big Fat Gypsy wedding will be happy to hear the program will return later this year for a Christmas Special. There is even speculation a star of the show will deliver Channel 4’s alternative Queens Speech on Christmas Day… PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN !!!!

Graeme Aitken
@GraemeAitken

Shocking Celebrity Moments!

Fatima Joji predicts some very shocking, but unlikely celebrity events for the future.



These moments would shock the whole world if they actually happened!

Warning! These potential celebrity events might cause a 5-second heart attack!



1. Lady Gaga walking the red carpet in normal clothes = SHOCKING!!

2. Katy Price's name failing to make the papers in a whole month = SHOCKING!!

3. Simon Cowell crying on TV = Absolutely SHOCKING!! (And impossible, unless it is someone posing as him.)

4. Russel Brand some sympathy = SHOCKING!!

5. Justin Bieber - From Goldilocks to a bald head = SHOCKING!!

Fatima Joji
@fatima_joji

You can take the dog out of Glasgow...

There was big controversy at the San Siro last night. Bigger than Peter Crouch actually scoring this season. Bigger than Aaron Lennon completing a final ball. Bigger than Zlatan Ibrahimovic hiding for 90 minutes. And even bigger than Jamie Redknapp calling his dad "mate". The big controversy in question was Milan's Gennaro Gattuso headbutting Tottenham’s coach Joe Jordan.

After “losing it” in a more schoolboy fashion than his team-mates against Spurs last night, it looks like Gattuso, the cult Rangers star turned World Cup and Champions League winner, should have picked on someone his own size.

Jordan is over 6ft, missing four front teeth and well known for putting his head where most men wouldn’t put their wellies. This is a man who once dislocated the jaw of a Spurs keeper who kept charging at him at corners while playing for 'Dirty Leeds'.

Wee Rino has since apologised(ish) for the incident at the end of a well-earned 0-1 away victory for Spurs, and is awaiting punishment from Uefa. Defending himself after the match, Gattuso said they were “speaking Scottish”, and that he was “nervous”.

BITE

Ever the pantomime villain of matches, Gattuso’s fierce defensive midfield style has earned him the nickname Rhingio (Growl). His strongest assets on the pitch are his ball-winning ability and talent for winding up opponents. This is what matchday pundit and infamous hardman Graeme Souness referred to when he described Gattuso as "a little dog". But this little dog's bark seems much worse than his bite.

No wonder he was nervous- his controversies are fairly tame compared to those of his peers. Before this, Rino’s biggest crime was slapping Zlatan Ibrahimovic with a cheeky backhand. Cuffing Ibrahimovic, who looks and plays like a depressed horse, is more of an act of encouragement than a sin worthy of the all-time list of hard-man moments.


Gattuso isn’t even the dirtiest player of his era, just ask Xabi Alonso or Hatem Ben Arfa, who have suffered at the feet of Nigel de Jong. In fact, he was even overshadowed by the whole Materazzi/Zidane headbutting of the 2006 World Cup Final.



Shouting and pushing was mere foreplay for players such as Souness [2:50] , the sociopathic Roy Keane, or the Butcher of Bilbao Andoni Goikoetxea. Sadly Gattuso seems to be all bark and no balls.

KID

Perhaps, Rino simply has a case of short man syndrome. He picked on the biggest kid in the playground last night, and even then the worst Crouch can retaliate with is a poor impression of C-3PO made of pipe-cleaners.

Gattuso acted like a spoilt brat all game, pushing and shouting at anything that moved, he even punched the ground as if it were to blame for him forgetting that football games usually involve kicking the ball, not bullying everyone else for their pocket money.

All of this carry on has overshadowed what was a tremendous night for Spurs who, on this form, can dare to dream of perhaps going even further than Leeds did in 00/01, the last surprise English package to swashbuckle their way through the Champions League.

Maybe by the time Gattuso serves his ban he'll have had the time to learn to butt out of touchline scraps, and keep his talking on pitch.

Jim Johnstone

Ask Blurst #2

Do you have a problem that needs solved? Each week you can anonymously Ask Blurst for help with your worries and we will do our best to help you out!


Thanks to Jim Johnstone for offering his advice this week.

If you have a question you would like answered on Ask Blurst, please visit our Formspring. You can leave questions anonymously, but please leave a name - even if it's not your own!

Dear Blurst Times, My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years now and I recently found out that he cheated on me in the first year we were dating. I love him, but I can't get over the fact that he betrayed me. What should I do? - Maria
Jim: The question is: can you still trust him? It’s easy to say “I forgive you”, but a lack of trust can eat away at a relationship unless you deal with this problem as soon as possible. I’ve seen people close to me cheat and the two main reasons are either because the relationship has gone stale, or the cheater has issues with trust.

Have you asked him why he did it? It won’t be pretty having to sit and hear him describe how and why it happened, but you can’t move on if you never know why he did it.

Has he done anything to make you suspicious over the past three years? Everyone is capable of making mistakes in a relationship, and it would be wrong to throw away three years with someone over what could have been a moment of weakness. But if he's been secretive about his phone/ computer, or engaging in more than just harmless flirting, then the chances are he's still at it.

---

Dear Blurst, My friend is always late to everything - even when they've organised meeting up! Sometimes they are late by over an hour! I've had enough, what can I do? - Dominic
Jim: Dominic, are you one of my mates using a pseudonym? I’m always late for everything, even if I’m working at five and have all day free!

Some people are useless at stuff like this, so don't start ripping their ego to shreds over their absent-mindedness. What my friend used to do to me was ask me to turn up earlier for stuff, i.e. say “come round at 3.30”, then get ready for four (or later!).

Take the mickey out of them for it at first and hope that they get the point and start being punctual.

Failing that, try getting them a massive, Flava Flav-style watch necklace.

---

Dear Blurst. On nights when I have uni the next morning, my flatmate will come in and make a lot of noise at three or four in the morning. I've asked them to keep the noise down, but they still do it. What can I do? - Jess
Jim: Jess, this may not come across the right way but, have you tried earplugs? I’ve used those earphones that go right in your ears when I’m sleeping in the same room as heavy snorers. And trust me, they work even against guys who make noises like Darth Vader guesting on a Pig Destroyer song.

Another alternative is to just make noise back. When you get up for uni early in the morning, they’ll be sleeping- and nursing the start of a hangover. Silly them! Just clatter the cupboards about and put the telly on loud, and when they complain just say that you’re always this loud when you get up early for uni.

And if worst comes to worst, get drunk and come home later than them and noise them up all night by knocking on the their door and phoning them so they can hear what awesome song has come on that they just have to hear. Should do the trick.

---

Dear The Blurst Times, I'm having a problem with my new boyfriend. We've been going out for 3 months now, and he's a great guy. He's sweet, funny and good with my kids. The problem is that he can't perform sexually. He won't open up to me about why, and I'm beginning to worry. - Catherine
Jim: Sometimes it takes time for people in a relationship to get to know properly what the other person likes in the bedroom. Maybe he's just a bit shy? Talk to him and get him to open up, and find out what he likes, and tell him what you're in to.

You never know, with a bit of work he might just be able to fill the one box thats missing on your checklist.

Scottish Junior Riots

Violence erupted on Saturday at the Scottish Juniors Cup match.

The game was between long term rivals Cumnock Juniors and Auchinleck Talbot.
At around 3PM, during halftime, police were forced to intervene as rival fans began throwing missiles into a corner of the pitch.

As fighting between opposing supporters broke out on the pitch, four mounted policemen once again intervened to prevent anyone getting hurt.

Henry Dumigan, the secretary of Auchinleck Talbot, stated: ”The guilty persons are not junior football supporters but are trouble-makers attracted to these games for the purpose of confrontation and disruption on a stage.”

Later, riots started in Cumnock Town Centre between rival fans. Men, women and even children as young as 12 were fighting on both sides.

A police statement said: “Officers made the decision at full time to hold the Auchinleck support in the stadium for approximately 5-10 minutes while the Cumnock fans left the stadium, and Strathclyde Police apologises if any genuine fans were affected.”

Three people were arrested during the riots concerning charges of breaching the peace, drinking in public, and possession of drugs.

Even before the game, fans and players were escorted by the police from Auchinleck to Cumnock, where the match was played.

Cumnock Junior FC secretary George Morton said: “Cumnock Juniors FC will be taking appropriate action against anyone found to have been causing trouble during Saturday’s match. These people are not welcomed at Townhead Park as all they do is tarnish the reputation of the club and of Junior football as a whole. Anyone found guilty will be banned from the ground and have their details passed to the police.”

These two long term rivals have a history of violence where their fans are concerned, but in recent years there has been little trouble. However, Saturday’s riots prove that violence is still a problem for these teams.

A police spokeswoman said there was an increased level of police on hand for the match due to the history of violence between Cumnock Juniors and Auchinleck Talbot.

Ayrshireblog posted on Twitter: “Here in Ayrshire Auchinleck and Cumnock morons rioting over football. This area has enough problems without these brainless idiots.”

Scott Holland
@ShadyNeo 

Destroying Art, Science and Philosophy in 3 Easy Bathroom-Related Steps

Life getting you down? Hate bathrooms? Kieran Beattie has the solutions. All of them.

It's 7.00. Your phone's generic bleeps and blorps rip you from your possibly sexy dream. What’s worse, is that your boss is forcing you to conform to this crazy new religion of “Basic hygiene” and waste your precious coco pop time “de-stanking” yourself. Before you take the logical decision and smash your head through the microwave, try following these three inspirational tips to make the most of your mandatory bathroom time.

#1: Become God

" THIS IS TOTAL BS"

Cnut the Great, alongside inspiring the name of French Connection UK, was famous for being the King of Most Of Europe back when everyone was all about longboats and pillaging. Not content with his absolute power over the vast swathes of beardy gents and ladies of Britain, Norway, Sweden and Denmark, he decided to seize control over man’s oldest and wettest enemy: the sea. Under a stroke of sheer genius or possibly just because of a stroke, he plopped his throne on the beach, cracked open a can ‘o’ mead, and yelled at the sea to not come any closer OR ELSE.

Somehow it didn’t work, so he gave up his career in kinging for a life of swearing loudly at passing puddles and crying himself to sleep.

But where Cnut failed at bending the forces of nature to his will, YOU will rise above adversity and COMMAND THE TIDES THEMSELVES.

Think about it. You’re in the shower, waters going everywhere. Surely it will escape! That blasted waters going to show you up again, and in front of your hot date! On the day of the big game! It’s time to make a stand.

Stand directly under the shower head and adopt the power stance, legs apart, and arms erect at your sides, fists tight. When the time is right, EXPLODE your fists open and tense your fingers, (teeth baring optional).Congratulations, you are now FIRING WATER OUT OF YOUR FINGERS and are PRETTY MUCH A GOD. Scuk it, Cnut.

Please, for the sake of us mere mortals, use your newfound hydro-kinesis for good.

#2: Show Da Vinci who’s boss.

"no da vinci that is the wrong number of limbs what are you blind"

So it’s 7.30, and you’ve already completely negated a historical figure’s influence on society with your sick bathroom techniques. But why stop at just one? Why not take on the most influential painter and all around famous guy of all time, Leonardo “ Da Best” Da Vinci?

The Mona Lisa took Da Vinci 15 years of procrastination and laziness to complete, and what does he have to show for it? Some oily paper in a French museum, a movie about said paper starring Tom Hanks, and the piece’s disappointing smallitude in real life.

What you will create in 20 seconds will last generations, and prove to the world once and for all that the history books got it wrong and YOU are the TRUE archetype of the Renaissance man, not that beardy dork.

“But how on Earth will I surpass the goddamn Mona Lisa IN MY TOILET?!?” I hear you shake my collar with both hands and demand? The answer is the same one that effervesced its way into the mind of Scottish Inventor James Watt when faced with the problem of his trains running on thousands of ridiculously inefficient land-oarsmen: STEAM.

Sure, they might call it “ rushed” or “what are you trying to prove here and why am I in your bathroom”, but in their hearts they know that you are much smarter, cooler, sexier, and postmodern or some other such horseshit than they will ever be. Here’s my effort:

So it’s now 8.00, you’ve revolutionised the world of philosophy AND art, and you STILL haven’t gone through your weekly disappointment of accidentally pouring that god-awful coco pop mush from the bottom of the box into your bowl. Why not make it a hat trick ( I don’t know anything about football) and blow the huge, pulsating minds of science with THREE revolutions?

#3: Answer the most important and least asked question in the universe

Step one: Form the anchor.

Step 2: Deploy.

Step 3: PUSH THE BOUNDARIES OF HUMAN UNDERSTANDING AND TAKE THE SECOND GREAT LEAP

WHAT.

WILL.

HAPPEN.

I like to call this manoeuvre the “ Rapunzel Effect.”

Why has no one asked this before? And why is there STILL not an abundance of nightclub/hairdresser combos? (That’s another article for another day.)

Use this article responsibly.

Kieran Beattie

Celebrity Round-Up! 13/02/11

Graeme Aitken looks at Lady Gaga, Bieber's Valentine's and Arnold Schwarzenegger in a celebrity round up!

Lady Gaga’s long awaited new single ‘Born This Way’ was released on Friday, Two days later the song had amassed 5 million YouTube hits. Britney Spears' new single ‘Hold It Against Me’ achieved 7 million YouTube hits in a month. No comparison really.

Justin Bieber revealed this week that he misses a ‘normal’ life. He is quoted by the Daily Star as saying: "I miss being able to just like go home and just relax and be with my family, and not do anything for a while.” Bieber also revealed that he’d be spending Valentine’s Day with his Mum. Cute.

Jedward have announced they will represent Ireland in Eurovision after a public vote this week. They will perform the song ‘Lipstick’ at the event in Düsseldorf this May. Boy-band Blue will represent the United Kingdom with their song ‘I Can’, even though they probably can’t.

Beyonce will headline Glastonbury this year. The singer will dawn her alter ego -‘Sasha Fierce’ - and take to the main stage along with other confirmed acts including Coldplay and U2.

In the most unlikely of all musical partnerships, Cee-Lo Green and Gwyneth Paltrow will perform at the Grammies next week. It is undecided as to what the pair will sing.

Mega star Rihanna has been left fuming after Brit Award bosses ordered her to tone down her performance for new track ‘S&M’. It’s been a bad week for RI-RI after it was revealed OFCOM received over 4000 complaints from her December performance on the X-Factor. Time for Rihanna to cover up, it seems!

On a slightly colder note, Dancing on ice judge Jason Gardner faced a public backlash this week after his comments to ex-panellist Karen Barber. Gardner snapped at Karen after a comment she made about his judging of non-celebrity contestant Johnson Beharry. He said: "If your opinion still mattered you would be on the panel." It seems Jason’s comments have landed him in the bad books with Karen, the Dancing on Ice cast, crew and viewers.

And finally, body builder turned actor turned politician Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed he will be making a ‘come back’ in the land of film! He said on Twitter: "Exciting news, my friends have been asking me for seven years when they can take offers seriously. Gave them the green light today." GO Arny!!

Graeme Aitken
@graemeaitken

This Week's Singles Reviews: Feb 13

A quick look at the singles released in the UK this week - Chromeo, Jedward, JLS, Lady GaGa and Taio Cruz!


Chromeo ft. Elly Jackson - 'Hot Mess'
Chromeo's songs all have the same great retro electronic feel to them, but the introduction of Elly Jackson's (La Roux) adds another level to this song. 'Hot Mess' is fantastically summery but because of the cold, sleety weather outside, I have a horrible feeling this song isn't going to do nearly as well as it should.

Jedward - 'Lipstick'
'Lipstick' is a very odd song for Jedward to be representing Ireland at Eurovision 2011 with, but it works surprisingly well. On paper, a song with a Eurodance beat and lots of vocoder "hey-hey"s and "woah-oh"s sounds like a disaster, but it's actually quite good.

JLS ft. Tinie Tempah - 'Eyes Wide Shut'
This whole song confuses me. From the title (seriously, what does that mean?) to the synths ripping off Calvin Harris, there's just something not right. It's only slightly redeemed by the fact they've used the ultimate chat-up line about "rearranging the alphabet" in the rap part-way through.

Lady Gaga - 'Born This Way'
If the rumours about this single being a last-minute remix are true, it explains why 'Born This Way' hasn't lived up to the hype - seeming like less of a "game-changer" and more like Madonna's 'Express Yourself'. While I think the message would have been lost slightly if the lyrics were subtle, it's fairly explicit in what it's saying. Overall, this is a good song and even though it's new, it just feels a little too familiar.

Taio Cruz ft. Kylie Minogue - 'Higher'
Just like Chromeo's 'Hot Mess', this feels like a summery song that's been released way too early. 'Higher' is a great piece of fast-paced dance-pop and Cruz's and Minogue's vocals work so well together, reminding me of both the excitement of summer and that laid-back feeling that comes with it at the same time.

James Wyllie
@itsjazzfest

Guitar Hero: Does anyone actually care?

Picture the scene. It's a cold, miserable Wednesday night in the United States, and your games business is going down the pan. It had, around four or five years previous, acquired the rights to publish a unique game from an indie developer, and, following years of selling millions of copies, you decide to tear it up.

Obviously it's a lot more complicated than it appears, but Activision (now merged to form Activision Blizzard) are finally axing (sorry) once massive franchise Guitar Hero.

Once we clear our ears of the devastated screams from post-pub metalheads, we look back, and we see that this move hasn't come out of boredom. The fact is, incredibly, the public simply don't play rhythm games any more.

I only discovered this recently, but the machines which usually sit vacantly gathering dust in arcades across the UK playing techno music and sporting flashy arrows and clunky sprites dancing are actually the height of popularity in the teenage United States and Japan.

Dance Dance Revolution (often just DDR) is played by stamping on the mat beneath the player in time with the beat of the puce music the machine emits.

But even there, despite being a console game in conjunction, the sales of said standalone game don't even lay a finger on the amount of money inserted into these machines by sweaty intoxicated youths.

Rhythm games, a genre which Guitar Hero and failed sister series DJ Hero fall into, have generally seen their sales suffer in recent years. Back in 2005, when DDR was popular even over on this side of the Atlantic, Guitar Hero's birth gave those too "cool" to jump around like a mental patient a way to show that they too had a good sense of timing.

The series was a profitable one, shifting 25 million copies over the course of its existence, and earning the company a cool $2 billion.

However, after Guitar Heroes I, II, III, IV and V, plus a number of band-centred ports and hand-held versions, consumers had just gotten bored, not bothering (or not being able to afford) to buy every version - especially as the gameplay was identical each time.

Activision Blizzard, however, hardly have no backup plan. Despite axing these games, it still takes in a massive amount of revenue through titles such as the record-breaking Call of Duty: Black Ops - which has now easily passed the $1 billion mark in worldwide sales - and the latest World of Warcraft instalment, Cataclysm.

So perhaps it's not a surprise to see the company get rid of the series, but there are those who still enjoy whacking out a good ten minutes of "Free Bird" on Expert, just to remind them that life isn't easy.

Joe Sutherland
@foxhuntingx

West Ham 1 - Tottenham 0

For a team with a points-per-game average of less than one after a full twenty-six games in the Premier League, West Ham United seem to have developed a good knack of pinching things from under folk's noses. First their ten men snatch a win against Birmingham, then they steal a cup place from Nottingham Forest, and now they're mugging Harry Redknapp. ...Again.


But this time it's not watches or wallets leaving the pockets of the Tottenham gaffer. Newham-based West Ham have taken something considerably more valuable from the hands of the London Whites - the Olympic Stadium.

It was an awfully bizarre war of words that threw the argument into the air, with the 63-year-old even going as far to suggest the main reason that Tottenham were favourites for the bid was that West Ham would miss Upton Park. If you've ever been there you'll know it's a little bit of a mess.

What made the decision most astonishing, however, is that West Ham and Tottenham hardly share a history. Despite both teams being roughly the same age, the Hammers' highest league placing was fifth, in 1999, while Tottenham have lifted the trophy twice in the fifties and the sixties.

More recently that trend hasn't subsided - last season Spurs finished thirteen places higher, and it only takes a look at the current league tables to show that the whites are by far and away the better team this season.

That fact is more than likely down to the silly money thrown around by Redknapp and company in both summer and winter. No less than £18.5 million has gone on new players this season, highlights being an £8 million swoop for Dutch World Cup highlight Rafael van der Vaart. West Ham meanwhile have been a little more conservative, only disclosing one fee - the £4 million bid for Mexican Pablo Barrera.

However, money aside, Tottenham failed for one reason and one reason only - they wanted to knock the brand new stadium down and build (yes) another one on top.

Amazingly the notion didn't bode well with the Olympic Park Legacy Company executives, and they went with plucky West Ham instead.

Just goes to show that money doesn't buy you everything. Including brand new stadiums.

Joe Sutherland
@foxhuntingx

Football and Women

Women and football don't go, its one of the most popular all time sayings, that normally a male will receive a cuff around the ear for but nothing else. But is this sexist and untrue statement really true, and why is it perceived that only men can be entertained by football.

Recently there has been quite a large scandal involving football pundit Andy Gray, who made a massive faux pas, when a live microphone twice picked him up making fun of the fact that a female linesman would be officiating a game in the English Premier League. This led to Gray leaving his lucrative position at Sky Sports and has now been taken on by talkSPORT, as well as another controversial Sky pundit, Richard Keys.

The main thing that annoyed me about Gray, was that his insults weren't even good insults, they were just basic and stupid, a bit like him I suppose, who mocked that the lines(wo)man - Sian Massey - wouldn't know the offside rule. Now come on Andy, as hilarious as hearing that is, is there any need?

Straight away a controversy was created, front pages of newspapers were taken up, important political topics were pushed further back into Rupert Murdoch's 'unbiased' papers, as The Sun, and News of the World, jumped to defend Gray, with the excuse that men could be heard saying up and down Britain 'well he's not wrong is he?'.

So was he wrong?

Well let's take a dive into history to look at the roots of football. Throughout the mid 1800s, football was created, and tweaked to become what we have today, played by men, for men. Men's sport, Andy Gray is correct, yeah?

No.

Women's football was developed in the 1920s when men's football was only really getting into the swing of it, more and more clubs were establishing themselves and leagues all around the world were being set up. Not too many women were keen to play as had no real time in their lives, but there still a few hundred in the country that would take part.

So that is the 1920s we are in with men and women both playing football.

The offside rule as we know it today was formally introduced in 1990, after different changes to it through the last 100 years. The female linesman the day of Andy Gray's last game was born before the rule was introduced, as are most female professionals in the game today, so why would they not understand the offside rule?

The world of football really is controlled by men, and women are seen as outsiders to the sport, and sometimes for good reasons. I still remember being asked who Man united were playing in the World Cup by a female, who has attended quite a few football games herself.

The whole real point of this rant is to try and show that women are just as much as likely to know the offside rule as men, and there is no reason as to why women shouldn't be involved in the game. Just because a lot of women choose not to get involved in it, doesn't mean all don't want to, just like not all males watch/play football. Really its just stupid and pointless sexism, and Andy Gray has shown himself up as a typical idiot male that lies within the footballing world, hopefully he'll be replaced by a women.

Simon Kermack

@athenryguy

Top Valentine's Dos and Don'ts

Some dos and don'ts to make sure your Valentine's Day runs smoothly!

1. Do make an effort with your partner, nobody likes a Valentines Scrooge!
2. Don’t be mean with the money. We’re all living in a recession but c’mon – NOBODY wants Lidl’s finest Latvian Chocolates.
3. Do be spontaneous. Start off in a nice bar for some cheeky cocktails and see where the night takes you.
4. Don’t go Valentine's Overkill. There’s a fine line between spoiling your partner and being creepy with loads of gifts.
5. Do send a card to your Valentine. What’s the worst that could happen? You’d prefer to have died trying, right?
6. Don’t brag to your friends about how amazing your partner is. Nobody single appreciates it and you’ll be branded a right bitch.
7. Do take some pride in yourself. Girls book the beauticians, guys get that hair re-styled. This means new clothes, nice perfume/aftershave & NO Bridget Jones pants.
8. Don’t hide away if you’re single. Most clubs will put on something for couples/singles alike. Get together with some single friends - leave the couples behind and PARTY!!
9. Do put on a smile. Flirty or friendly. Nobody wants to be sitting there with a face like thunder.
10. Don’t not enjoy Valentine’s Day!!!  It only happens once a year.. Single or not, get yourself out on the 14th and let cupid do his magic.

Graeme Aitken

@graemeaitkin

I Too Am An Egyptian; The End of Mubarak

Here at The Blurst Times we’re obligated to watch the news and stuff. As you’re probably all too aware there has been a bit of an uprising in Egypt where a 30 year dictatorship has been overhauled as a result of a breakout of intense pressure in the last few weeks from a nation fed up of suppression, dissent and the imprisoning of opposition.

Hosni Mubarak had been living in a state of deNile since he shocked the world by revealing the ultimate dick move by gathering the world’s media to tell them “I'm not resigning”. Less than a day later, his Vice-President delivered a slightly ominous speech where he pleaded “ May God help everybody” and also announced the resignation of Hosni Mubarak as president.

His replacement, for the time being, is the military high command and defence minister, Hussein Tantawi, who has been described by the Wikileaks diplomatic cables as “aged and change-resistant”. I assume that if he was voted out in the September elections that it would prove less of a challenge to oust the 75 year-old from his office.

It is surprising that it has taken this long to see a visible stance against Mubarak. When you consider that he was paranoid enough, it would seem justifiably, to rule the country under a perpetual state of emergency ever since taking over in 1981, then there was probably not much opportunity to get rid of him in the old-fashioned assassination way (though in a trip to Kenya in 1995 he survived one such attempt).

In the end, it was the continuous peaceful protests organised as Facebook Events (I clicked Maybe Attending) and Twitter that assisted in his demise. In 18 days, youth activism had managed to topple a 30-year oppressive regime. It certainly makes me feel like an inconsequential dickhead for spending my time on Facebook during that time by “liking” endless streams of awkward moments with no real purpose. Egypt, you’re making the rest of us look bad by comparison- that’s not what Facebook is for. Though they do give us a good retort for if our excessive time spent online is ever questioned- “But if it wasn’t for Facebook then Egypt would still be a dictatorship that’s why I need to be on Facebook for x amount of hours.”

I’ll have to work on that excuse, probably.

Anyway, since we’re a hub of opinions and comedy value at The Blurst Times, I’ll leave you with my speculation of what Mubarak will be up to now that he has all this free time.

The end of his reign now allows Mr. Mubarak more time to dedicate to his passion of being Silvio Berlusconi’s wing-man. Even though there is no doubting that he is a horrible bastard, by looking at the guy I can tell he has mad skills with the ladies.

His repertoire of Egypt themed chat up lines is endless from the obvious- “When I’m done with you, you’ll be walking like an Egyptian”- to the ill-thought- “You know, in Egypt we see cats as Gods. Just thinking of your pussy makes me understand why.” His moves are probably way less likely to work now, however, as his assets have been frozen from his Swiss bank account. Gutted for him.

Findlay Mair
@fin1991

After the Tone: Thirty Minutes with The Answering Machine

After Manchester-based indie band the Answering Machine's recent Drummonds gig, with support from hectic art-poppers Rapids!, we spoke with TAM lead singer Martin about his experiences with the first gig of the new album tour...

Hey there! What did you think of Aberdeen?
Well, I'm not kissing arse here, but Aberdeen is our favourite place to play a show, hands down! We have been there three times, once with Rumble Strips and twice for headline shows. We're so shocked and amazed at the city's buzz and enthusiasm! (and scantly clad women, for such a cold city!) It feel like everyone makes such a huge effort to have a good night out!

They're used to the cold, that's what it is! How did you find your "first tour", then? What you expected?
It was our first tour promoting the new material from our second album, but we did a load of tours for the first album! We're almost veterans, at the age of 25! Ha. The tour was pretty amazing, if not a little awkward, playing new songs that no-one's ever heard before. We'll be playing a big song from our first album and people are going nuts, then we'll break into a new one and it feels like the room goes silent. Ha. I'm sure that's just a few nerves though. We're really proud of our new songs. They're really interesting to play live too, lots more instrumentation and experimentation.

I did notice a larger range of instruments for the newer material - including Pat's bizarre blowing thing - what was that? And since when did you play drums?
Haha, that's called a Melodica! Mick, who runs our label, just randomly bought it for us one day! He said he liked the look of it! So then the task was to write it into a couple of songs! I actually play it as a lead instrument on one of the songs on the new album called 'The End'! Oh, and as for the drums.... We did a tour last year with a band called Casiokids, and they moved from one instrument to the next. We wanted to try a similar thing. I've been teaching myself drums for the past few weeks.

I know Casiokids, actually! Didn't realise they would be an inspiration. Well, for a beginner you're pretty bloody good. How were Rapids!, then, during the tour? How many mic stands did they shatter..?
They're amazing live! And a lovely group of guys! We'd bonded like true men over a round of Sambucas at a club in Glasgow.. I think Matt shattered his mic stand in London, snapped the bottom off! They'll never make any more on the road, it all just goes on fixing broken equipment! Ha. It was their first tour as a band too, so they were extra excited, made us feel old actually!

I did notice they seemed to be a little... full of beans, as it were. I notice you took an odd stance on being compared to the Pigeon Detectives of late - who would you compare your sound to? Who inspired your second LP?
Yeah, I was a little shocked at that comparison. I'm all for people having an opinion on music and band comparisons seems an easy way to describe a sound, but I can't even see where this reviewer's coming from. A whole heap of things inspired the new EP, but I guess the main thing we wanted to do was to break down the sound of Another City Another Sorry. Although we love our debut album, we just felt it was all in 5 gear so to speak, I wanted this album to drop in a gear a lot, I'd even go as far to say that it reverses half way through the album, with some mad instrumental song! ;) It's a contemporary reference, but I wanted to have the sparse sounds of The Whitest Boy Alive. There's also hints of Radiohead and The Radio Dept in there. I'm also a big fan of The Shins, so a couple of songs have that US Indie Folk edge to them.

Sounds like a pretty nice mix of inspiration in there - folk sounds interesting, like you're doing what Bombay Bicycle Club did with Flaws. I'll make this the last question, then - are you looking forward to playing in Europe?
I can't enthuse enough about this European tour! I've always wanted to travel across Europe, regardless of being in a band. So to get the chance to do it with your best friends, in a van, drinking European premium lager, well... it's a dream! We've played one show in Amsterdam before now, and we also played Ibiza Rocks with Dirty Pretty Things a couple of years back, but apart from that, this'll be a first! I'm most excited about playing Paris and Berlin, for obvious reasons, but also I can't wait to play in Luxembourg! I never thought I'd be playing there! We really like Tokyo Police Club too, so it's great to be doing this tour with them! We'll bring you back some Bratwursts!

Joe Sutherland
@foxhuntingx

Ask Blurst #1

Do you have a problem that needs solved? Each week you can anonymously Ask Blurst for help with your worries and we will do our best to help you out!

Thanks to Laura Young for offering her advice this week.

Dear Blurst, My girlfriend and mother hate each other and it's driving me up the wall. I'm constantly stuck in the middle. It all came to a head recently when my mother asked me to stop seeing my girlfriend altogether, "or else". What should I do? 
Laura: Have you tried asking your girlfriend and your mum why they don't like each other? Your girlfriend probably feels a bit threatened, after all mums are always gonna be the most important woman in a man's life! Also your mum will just want the best for you. Try getting them both to have a coffee together when you're not there and see if they can clear the air over a shared affection of you? Good luck!

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Hey Blurst Times. My roommate is a slob who refuses to clean up after himself and keeps taking my food without permission. I've asked him to get his act together, but he won't listen. I can't kick him out because I need him to pay rent. What should I do? - Stephen
Laura: You've tried speaking to him reasonably and he's not listening so I would lock my food cupboard if possible? Make him learn the hard way. If he leaves dishes everywhere you could also try putting those in his room or in a cupboard with the rest of his clean dishes? Show him you mean business and hopefully he won't keep walking over you.

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Dear Blurst, My son is very antisocial and has few friends. All he does with his time is play computer games, and no matter what I say to him he won't stop. I just wish he would be a normal teenager. I'm considering taking him to a therapist. Should I? - Linda
Laura: Most teenage boys are obsessed with computer games and it is just a phase that he should grow out of. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do to hurry it along apart from taking away all his games (something I neither condone or recommend - I have a teenage brother myself and I doubt this would end well). Maybe try talking to him and explain you're worried about him. Best of luck!

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Hi BT! My boyfriend has a stupid dog which he's been trying to house train for a year. I constantly have to clean up after it and last week it destroyed a £600 suite. I've asked him to get rid of it but he refuses. What should I do? - Sam
Laura: Maybe you and your boyfriend could take the dog to dog training classes together. This shows that you're making an effort and supporting your boyfriend. If he can see you making an effort then he's more likely to see your point of view and may reconsider his decision. All the best!

If you have a question you would like answered on Ask Blurst, please visit our Formspring. You can leave questions anonymously, but please leave a name - even if it's not your own!

Irresponsible Parents + Annoying Southerners

Warning: This article contains strong language and/or sexual references which younger readers are advised to avoid.

I was doing my big shop in Asda the other day and was perusing the DVD section for a cheap £3 film to watch while having my dinner that night, i might add at this point that I found a rather good Norwegian Nazi zombie horror comedy film called "Dead Snow" but anyway I digress.

I couldn’t help but have my focus taken to the boy next to me, who couldn’t have been any older than 10 picking up a copy of the action film "Taken" and bringing it to his parents. Without a second though the mother looked once at the DVD and placed in the trolley... Seriously, why are these people allowed to have children!

I hope to have kids of my own one day, and still being a young rabble rouser myself plan to be quite lenient with them. My children will have permission to smoke and drink as much as they want by the time they're 16, watch 18 rated films when they're 15 and swear their tits off whenever they learn a new word. But will I fuck let my 10-year-old son watch Liam Neeson hunt down and brutally murder and torture Eastern Europeans while trying to save his teenage daughter from being sold into prostitution, that’s just fucking irresponsible.

This brought back similar emotions I experience when forced to sit through Jeremy Kyle. I sit there and think when I'm in charge and my Reich rule the UK, all people will have to take strict personality tests when they turn 16. Anybody who fails one of these tests will be booked in for a medical castration which, if I'm in a particularly fowl mood, will involve no anaesthesia and a brick.

Other people that have been winding me up this week are people from Manchester who consider themselves "Northerners". You can take that description and stick it right up your arse. In what way can anyone from somewhere like Manchester come to Aberdeen and call themselves a northerner, it baffles me. I've lived an hour north of Aberdeen my whole life and consider Edinburgh to be southern so find it funny when I cross the divide from the bright side of Britain and all of a sudden get a bunch of "northern" Geordies. Maybe these Mancs are considered northern by people from Southampton or Plymouth who are so far south they may as well be French, or by people from London who look down their noses at anybody north of Bedfordshire but honestly, who gives a flying fuck what those pretentious wankers think.

Martyn Simpson